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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work *

AR Uncategorized July 23, 2023November 18, 2025 1 Minute

Author: John Gottman

Book length: 295 pages

Excerpt: Neither spouse recognizes the value of a marriage until after the
separation is complete.

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KUTUBNOTES

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Recalling strengthens the memory.

3 questions

1. According to the notes, what is the function of 'fondness and admiration' in a marriage? They are only useful for resolving arguments and are irrelevant outside conflict situations. They are less important than choosing a conflict style, because conflict style determines success. They act as an antidote to contempt and couples who view their past positively are highly likely to have a happy future. Once buried under negativity they cannot be recovered and the marriage is unsalvageable.

2. What does 'turn toward each other' mean in the context of the emotional bank account? It means active listening alone will save a marriage regardless of other factors. It refers to only resolving major perpetual problems rather than everyday interactions. Partners make bids for attention, and turning toward builds emotional savings that help during hard times. It suggests couples should avoid talking at the end of the day to prevent arguments.

3. Which approach is recommended in the notes for solving solvable problems in marriage? Insist on getting everything your way; compromise prevents true resolution. Avoid making repair attempts; once a discussion becomes negative the only solution is to stop talking forever. Start softly using 'I' statements, make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourselves, and compromise. Begin with a harsh startup to show the seriousness of your complaint so your partner will change.

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Published July 23, 2023November 18, 2025

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work *

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